Unreal Estate

Transcript

Pillz-E: Good day to you, madam. Today, I have for you the deal of a lifetime.

Germaine: Oh, do you?

Pillz-E: I sure do. You look to me like a lady who could use more space—an area where you can really spread out.

Germaine: I could, actually.

Begley holds a sign that says, “Her ass spreads out!”

Pillz-E: Tired of apartment life? Want to own your own home? Now you too can relive the American dream.

Germaine: Dude, I’m an unemployed, overweight, cocksucking poet with no money. I can’t afford a home.

Begley holds a sign that says, “Poor poets do dirty things.”

Pillz-E: Well, most people can’t afford real estate.

Begley holds a sign that says, “Send me money.”

Pillz-E: However, I sell to you now, unreal estate, at a fraction of the price of actual property.

Germaine: Unreal estate?

Pillz-E: Imagine the house of your dreams, and I can make it an unreality. Just close your eyes and picture it. Eighteen swimming pools? Not a problem!

Begley holds a sign that says, “Available $40 an hour” with an arrow pointing at Germaine.

Pillz-E: Two hundred and fifty thousand square foot bedrooms? It’s yours. Pesky neighbours bothering you? Go for the alligator moat package. Moat package.

Begley holds a sign that says “Moat! Mother fuckers!”

Pillz-E: I will toss an alligator for free.

Germaine: A moat with alligators would be pretty cool.

Pillz-E: And it’s all within your reach for a nominal fee of only three dollars.

Germaine: And where exactly is this unreal estate?

Begley holds a sign that says, “Couldn’t afford more hair” with an arrow pointing at Germaine.

Pillz-E: In your mind.

Germaine: So, you expect me to give you three dollars for a dream home that’s in my head?

Begley holds a sign that says “Better than given head for $3.”

Pillz-E: Is three dollars really too much to ask for a home this grand?

Germaine: You know, if you wanted three dollars, you could’ve just asked.

Begley holds a sign that says, “Slutty whore” with an arrow pointing at Germaine.

Germaine: You didn’t need to go through this whole elaborate scheme.

Pillz-E: Hey, if you don’t want it, I have another lovely couple from New England who are more than interested in-in purchasing it.

Germaine glares at Pillz-E as Begley holds a sign saying “Bitch” with an arrow pointing at Germaine.

Pillz-E: Of course, if you’d like to give me the deposit of fifty cents, that would hold your spot as first in line for this fine property.

Germaine: You really should get a job on Wall Street.

Pillz-E: I sometimes over-insure my unreal estate and then burn it down.

Begley holds sign that says, “You can all burn!” The ending screen appears.

Pillz-E: (singing) You can have the home of your dreams. You just keep on dreaming.

Pillz-E: Good day to you, madam. Today, I have for you the deal of a lifetime.

Germaine: Oh, do you?

Pillz-E: I sure do. You look to me like a lady who could use more space—an area where you can really spread out.

Germaine: I could, actually.

Begley holds a sign that says, “Her ass spreads out!”

Pillz-E: Tired of apartment life? Want to own your own home? Now you too can relive the American dream.

Germaine: Dude, I’m an unemployed, overweight, cocksucking poet with no money. I can’t afford a home.

Begley holds a sign that says, “Poor poets do dirty things.”

Pillz-E: Well, most people can’t afford real estate.

Begley holds a sign that says, “Send me money.”

Pillz-E: However, I sell to you now, unreal estate, at a fraction of the price of actual property.

Germaine: Unreal estate?

Pillz-E: Imagine the house of your dreams, and I can make it an unreality. Just close your eyes and picture it. Eighteen swimming pools? Not a problem!

Begley holds a sign that says, “Available $40 an hour” with an arrow pointing at Germaine.

Pillz-E: Two hundred and fifty thousand square foot bedrooms? It’s yours. Pesky neighbours bothering you? Go for the alligator moat package. Moat package.

Begley holds a sign that says “Moat! Mother fuckers!”

Pillz-E: I will toss an alligator for free.

Germaine: A moat with alligators would be pretty cool.

Pillz-E: And it’s all within your reach for a nominal fee of only three dollars.

Germaine: And where exactly is this unreal estate?

Begley holds a sign that says, “Couldn’t afford more hair” with an arrow pointing at Germaine.

Pillz-E: In your mind.

Germaine: So, you expect me to give you three dollars for a dream home that’s in my head?

Begley holds a sign that says “Better than given head for $3.”

Pillz-E: Is three dollars really too much to ask for a home this grand?

Germaine: You know, if you wanted three dollars, you could’ve just asked.

Begley holds a sign that says, “Slutty whore” with an arrow pointing at Germaine.

Germaine: You didn’t need to go through this whole elaborate scheme.

Pillz-E: Hey, if you don’t want it, I have another lovely couple from New England who are more than interested in-in purchasing it.

Germaine glares at Pillz-E as Begley holds a sign saying “Bitch” with an arrow pointing at Germaine.

Pillz-E: Of course, if you’d like to give me the deposit of fifty cents, that would hold your spot as first in line for this fine property.

Germaine: You really should get a job on Wall Street.

Pillz-E: I sometimes over-insure my unreal estate and then burn it down.

Begley holds sign that says, “You can all burn!” The ending screen appears.

Pillz-E: (singing) You can have the home of your dreams. You just keep on dreaming.