Foamy: What the hell is wrong with everyone? Are people really so upset about gay marriage in the United States? Seriously? As the years have gone by and certain states have legalized gay marriage, the rest of the country has trembled in fear at the implications it will have on "the sanctity of marriage."
Sanctity of marriage? Really? Have you looked at the statistics on marriage? I mean, really looked at them? Half of the "straight people" who get married, get divorced. Half the straight couples who live together aren't even married. Those that are are always bickering and bitching about their significant other. They use their kids as pawns in bitter divorces, and even the family dog has had to deal with the brunt of the dysfunctional American marriage. No one likes their in-laws, and children are a pain in the ass. It's pretty much established that straight folks don't care much for marriage. And that's why gay folks should get married. If anyone's going to appreciate the concept and institution of these unions, it will be them. They fought for the right to be married, they've taken media backlash for it, they've been beaten, spat upon, ridiculed. But still they persevere and want to marry their significant other. They're not standing at the altar with a shotgun to their head, they're fighting through crowds of angry protestors and backward-thinking religious fanatics in order to marry somebody they love! That's how important it is to them.
"But Foamy, the Bible says marriage is between man and woman."
Seriously? I'm the last person you should throw that Bible crap that. #1. [One middle finger pops out on left side] The Bible has been manipulated by man from its inception. Even if you consider it the "word of God", man has had way too much an influence on it, tweaking it for their own political and religious gain. #2. [Two middle fingers] Religion is a personal choice, not law. Your religious views may not be the same as another. Get over it. You don't have the right to impose your views on other people. That's kind of why America was founded—religious freedom! Remember that?! #3. [Three middle fingers] Free will. If God gave us all free will to do what we want, then what's the fucking problem? These folks wanna get married of their own free will! Now? Now you're just contradicting God by trying to stop people from doing what they want, and you're gonna burn in Hell for that. #4. [Four middle fingers] If you think it's "God's will" that marriage is only between a man and woman, then why not let God sort them out during the Rapture? You know? Where's that religious faith I hear so much about? If you truly do have faith in God, you should know that he/she/it in his/her/its all-knowing wisdom will do what needs to be done. So don't worry yourself about it, it's not your problem!
Personally, I wouldn't be so bold and egotistical to claim I know what God's will is. What if God changes his mind? Huh? You don't know. He didn't send you a memo. Deal with it. The only thing I can say about the Bible is that the Ten Commandments are a pretty good list of dos and don'ts people should take into consideration.
So with all this being said, as gay marriage comes to your cities and states, don't sweat it. It's not a big deal. Let 'em get married and figure out it's a hollow institution like the rest of us have. And seriously, guys, how many of you right now hope a hot lesbian couple move in right next door? See? Think about it! There's the upside! Don't deny the hot lesbian couple next door! Don't deny the hot lesbians!

{The Ending screen appears.}

Foamy: [singing] Hot lesbians live next door, where's my binoculars now.

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